Girlfriend Asks Boyfriend to Stop Calling Ex-Mother-in-Law “Mom” — Now Their Therapist Is Involved
One woman thought she had finally found a partner who would put her first — until she realized he was still calling his ex-mother-in-law “mom.” For someone grieving her own mother’s decline into Alzheimer’s, hearing that word was like a dagger through the heart. Now, just seven months into their relationship and one month after his divorce was finalized, she’s questioning whether she’s being controlling or simply protecting her own emotional well-being.
The situation is far more complicated than it first appears. Her boyfriend was married for 13 years to a woman who was lesbian throughout their marriage, forced him into an open relationship he didn’t want, and used him to achieve her own goals. Yet despite the painful history, he remains deeply connected to his ex-wife’s family — particularly her mother, who calls him “son.” When his girlfriend asked him to stop using the word “mom,” it sparked a battle that now involves their therapist, tears, and the painful realization that maybe they want very different things from this relationship.
Curious how it all unfolded? The full story is right below.
AITAH. Bf really want to stay close with parents in law. AITA for disapproving trying to alter their bond?
My (36f) and my bf (36m) have been together 7 months. Him and his ex signed the final divorce paperwork last month. There’s a lot of loose string being tied up because the divorce is effectively recent.
Anyway, out new main fight was that his ex MIL requested him to call her “mom” in Vietnamese a while back. She calls him “son” in her language. It was her birthday on Friday and he wished her a HBD mom. She said thank you in Vietnamese and called him son too.
While I think it’s sweet of him to carry out and respect that mom/son agreement, it deeply hurts me. My mom is in stage 5 Alzheimer’s. Her and my bf will never have this bond. I’ve politely asked for it to stop, got our therapist involved. He seemed adamant that it’s not fair that I change who he is. Therapist was pretty neutral, but favored adjustments to make our relationship work.
Look, on Mother’s Day of this year I had a straight up mental breakdown realizing this will probably be my last with her. He messaged her HMD but not my mom. Yeah, my mom no longer needs a phone. It’s all very complicated.
We are talking marriage, but I really want to feel like the princess in my own life dream. I’ve never not been cheated on. I promised I’d date someone with no kids so I don’t have to feel lesser of a priority again.
Anyway, my request was that he doesn’t call her mom anymore. Or spend time with her family over mine. I’m glad he wished her a bday, truly. I just hope the nuanced language means as much to him as it does to me. He will never share a close bond with my mom and it makes me so devastatingly sad. I’m grieving beyond belief. I just we can work together as a team to make adjustments that make me feel secure while my bf doesn’t feel controlled or like he has to change.
Appreciate any advice. Should I walk away for my own emotional protection? Just accept it for what it is? Thanks for your help.
Edit: they don’t have kids. I’m totally fine and supportive of him messaging them sentimental things. The specific word “mom” is like a dagger through my heart. If he called her Mrs Phan or first name I’d be fine. Same loving sentiment, not muddying families that have no reason to be blended anymore.
Edit 2: he’s been in an open relationship where I’m extremely monogamous. He is used to having several partners ongoing. He has tried to force me to sleep with him and his ex three-some partner in a tent at a festival. He constantly refers to his ex wife as “we” “we” “we did this that and the other.” Look, I get that I sound controlling. But I feel like I’m being thrown into a “love is love, deal with it situation.” Please give me some grace. I’m trying to hold boundaries but he is making me feel absolutely unreasonable when out therapist says that I’m the one making compromises. Not him.
Edit 3: they were dating for 13 years. Married for one. She was lesbian the whole time. She forced him into an open relationship that he didn’t want. It feels like he wants to have this bond only because the parents opened up and bonded over his daughter being gay. They wanted them to work out so she wouldn’t be gay. The stuff the mom said about her daughter is not cool, and the daughter used my bf heavily to get to her goals at her expense. This is tricky for me to feel fully happy about. I love him and think his kindness is a green flag. I think the language is all I care about.
Well thank you, I’m TA. I thought leaving their relationship available and nurtured was enough, as long as he didn’t call her “mom” to protect my feelings. Thanks for your feedback. I’m working on myself.
This story is not really about a word. It’s about grief, insecurity, and the terrifying realization that the person you love may still be emotionally entangled with their past in ways that leave no room for you. The boyfriend’s refusal to adjust the language he uses with his ex-mother-in-law is understandable on the surface — after 13 years, that relationship has deep roots. But his girlfriend’s request is not unreasonable either, given her profound grief and the raw vulnerability she’s experiencing.
Relationship experts have long studied how partners carry their past relationships into new ones, and how this can create friction. When someone is mourning, seemingly small gestures can feel like monumental betrayals. The girlfriend isn’t just hearing a word — she’s hearing confirmation that her boyfriend can offer another woman the mother-daughter bond she will never have again. Her grief is distorting her perception, but that doesn’t make her feelings any less real or valid.
In relationships where one partner is grieving, the other partner needs to be especially attuned to their emotional state. When grief is dismissed or minimized, it can lead to what experts call “emotional erosion” — the slow breakdown of trust and connection. In this case, the boyfriend’s insistence on using the word “mom” despite knowing the pain it causes suggests a lack of empathy that is deeply concerning. The fact that their therapist identified the girlfriend as the one making compromises while the boyfriend makes none is a significant red flag.
There is also the larger issue of the boyfriend’s behavior in other areas. He has tried to push his monogamous girlfriend into a threesome, he constantly refers to his ex-wife as “we,” and he seems to have little awareness of how his actions impact his partner’s sense of security. Research on couple dynamics shows that couples who thrive are those who respond to each other’s emotional needs with attention and care. When one partner is hurting and the other dismisses that hurt, the relationship is on shaky ground.
The girlfriend is not asking for much — she’s not demanding he cut ties entirely. She’s asking him to use a different word, to make a small linguistic shift that would honor her grief. If he can’t do that, it raises the question: what else will he refuse to compromise on? A loving partner would see this request not as control, but as a chance to offer comfort to someone in pain. Instead, he’s digging in his heels and making her feel unreasonable. That’s not kindness — it’s stubbornness dressed up as principle.
This is one of those situations where everyone’s feelings are valid, but not everyone is showing up with the same level of empathy. The boyfriend’s bond with his ex-mother-in-law is real and meaningful — 13 years of connection doesn’t disappear overnight. But his girlfriend is grieving the slow loss of her own mother while watching him offer another woman the very maternal relationship she can no longer have. That’s not jealousy; that’s heartbreak.
The word “mom” carries enormous weight. It’s not just a name — it’s an entire emotional world. For someone whose mother is slipping away, hearing their partner call someone else “mom” can feel like a betrayal, even if it’s not intended that way. And while the boyfriend may see this as a simple refusal to change who he is, the truth is that relationships require change. They require compromise. They require the willingness to say, “I see your pain, and I’ll adjust to help you feel safe.”
But here’s the uncomfortable truth: this relationship may not be built to last. The boyfriend is fresh out of a 13-year marriage — a deeply complicated one at that. He was used by his ex-wife, forced into an open relationship he didn’t want, and now he seems to be clinging to the only family that ever accepted him. His girlfriend, meanwhile, is grieving and looking for stability and certainty. They are in very different places, and their needs are clashing in ways that no amount of therapy may resolve.
The girlfriend asked if she should walk away. The honest answer is: maybe. Not because she’s wrong to ask for what she needs, but because he may not be capable of giving it to her right now. He’s still untangling his past, and she deserves a partner who is fully present in the present. Love is not enough when one person’s emotional needs are being consistently dismissed. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself — and for someone you love — is to let them go so you can both find what you truly need.